I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Sober January is a disaster.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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