Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
