There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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