I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
