i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
