Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
i think my cat just said my name.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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