The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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