Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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