I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
