i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
