do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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