Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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