remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
