Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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