i permit you to call me
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
