She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
