She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
