i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
im six kinds of drunk right now
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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