my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
