your parents love me but you hate me
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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