hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
