You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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