there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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