Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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