youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
