I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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