I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
