getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
