Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
