I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
no you cant smoke seaweed
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
