fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
This house was built for laser tag.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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