o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
