You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
it's like iHOP with fire
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
