btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just cropdusted the office
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
