Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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