smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
