We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
