Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
