About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
