Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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