Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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