Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
