So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
