Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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