So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
