i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
