He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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