The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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