I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
