I've blown a few things in my day
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
