he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
