So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
